No, I haven't seen your lipstick!

NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOUR LIPSTICK!

Why would you even ask me that?

I am so insulted!

Every time something goes missing around here,

everybody looks at me!

Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife

Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife:

	1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
	2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
	3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
	4. A dog's parents never visit.
	5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
	6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
	7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
	8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
	9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
	10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
	11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
And last, but not least:
	12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

Top Ten Signs You Spoil Your Dog

Top Ten Signs You Spoil Your Dog:

1. You think begging for table scraps is beneath him, so you let your dog eat at the table with you.

2. You take him to the supermarket and let him pick out his own dog food.

3. Your spouse comes home from work, looks at the stew on the stove and asks: "Is this people food or dog food?"

4. You bought matching His & Hers place mats for your dog and yourself.

5. At dinner parties you always have to double-check the butter for visible lick marks, before putting it on the table.

6. Your dog gets to vote on where to spend the next family vacation.

7. You don't care if you or your spouse are comfortable at night, as long as Fido has enough room on the bed.

8. You complain about the rising costs of groceries, but you don't think twice about spending a fortune on doggie treats.

9. Your dog always gets the best spot on the couch and sometimes he even gets to hold the remote.

10. He has his own e-mail address.

Please give him a fry!

Seems like he's been waiting long enough! That's what I call a sit-stay!

Soap and Water

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied,"They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

Joke: Walking the Dog

Walking the Dog

A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before be cause the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!